Category Archives: Project 2013

Catching a breeze 2

As I said in another post, I’m starting a list to take note of anything that makes me feel interested or hopeful. Today’s item: I really love climbing over the cattle yard fences.

It’s hard to see how that information could possibly be useful, but I figure it’s better if I’m not too judgemental when making these notes. Maybe even the silly ones might later point to a pattern of interest or something.

So: climbing over the cattle yard fences. I love it. The fences are about two metres high, and I take three steps up, go over the top, then two steps down with a long drop to the ground with one foot while hanging onto a rail with both hands. Or something like that.

I don’t see how it could mean anything; it’s just something I like doing. I like the feeling of being able to lift myself up off the ground and then drop back down again; I like the change in perspective from a greater height; I like the feeling of being in control of myself body-wise; I like the feeling of almost-weightlessness and of being in the air.

Here’s a photo of the yards (the green shadeclothy-type stuff is tied onto that fence in order to slow the winds that have been howling through here over the last week or so):

metal fences around a cattle yard

Meanwhile, in other news, the blind calf (who is currently living in those yards with his mother) still appears to be blind. I’m still hoping one of his eyes will recover, but every day I get a bit more sad and fearful that it won’t happen.

Catching a breeze

I’ve been thinking: if I really am becalmed, as I said the other day, then the thing to do is to be ready to catch a breeze whenever it comes.

I don’t know anything about sailing, but presume that when you’re stuck in the Doldrums probably all you can do is to watch the water all around and wait for signs of wind so that when it finally arrives you’ll have the right sails up.

That might be wrong, but it doesn’t matter; it’s given me some hope and a plan. I’ll do the equivalent of scanning the horizon for a breeze: I’ll take note of anything that makes me feel interested or hopeful. Maybe there’ll be something in something that leads to some motivation for the future and gets me moving towards the things I’m supposed to be doing (i.e. finding somewhere to live and something to do).

Yesterday I noticed that a memory of a neighbour’s house made me feel happy. It was when my sister and I were in primary school, and a girl from school lived there with her father. One day when it was raining and the creek was flooding my sister and I walked down the road to visit the girl – a walk of a few kilometres in our yellow rain coats. When we got there the father cooked us banana pancakes for lunch (an exotic and foreign food here at the time: the father was a hang-glider instructor or something and had probably travelled a bit). The best bit was the house, though. It was old and dark weatherboards, and the walls were unlined – just like our enclosed verandah at home, where you could use the timber foundations of the walls as shelves. It was a quiet, calm atmosphere, and I expect we could hear rain on the corrugated iron roof. I remember a feeling of peace there, and it makes me feel happy again to think of it.

One week

It’s now only one week till I have to move out and I still haven’t found a place to rent, so my current plan is to just clear out this house in time for the new owners to start work on it on Saturday 22nd, and worry about everything else later.

I’m going to store my plants at my parents’ place; I started moving some yesterday. Half the plants belong to Mum anyway (when my parents were away on a long overseas holiday a year or so ago I rescued and resuscitated their house plants, and by the time they got back Mum didn’t want the plants returned). I’ll try storing my other things at their place, too, but if that doesn’t work I’ll rent a storage shed. (Dad thinks I can fit everything into their junk room and garage – other people in the family have previously done so – but I don’t see how, plus it’d be really annoying for them, and I’m being annoying enough already.) I don’t know where I’m going to stay myself, yet (the new owners, a family of four, will be staying with my parents over Christmas/New Year while they work on this house, so it’s already crowded).

But if I can get a proper pen set up for the chickens, they can stay here a while longer. One of the new owners said she’d be happy to feed them, but also I can call in and check on them every day, so that will probably work out if I can just get the damn house/pen made. I went to town the other day to buy corrugated iron for the roof – planning to use the dimensions of the roofing material to determine the size and shape of the house. But none of the steel places has roofing sheets to sell (other than offcuts, none of which were short enough to carry home in the ute): you have to order them ahead of time and specify the length you want, and now that it’s so close to Christmas the ordering process will take longer than usual. I couldn’t find anything secondhand, either, only scrappy pieces with angular ends or whatever. And the polycarbonate type of roofing lets some sun through, which in our summers would be too hot for chickens in a small house. I’m now thinking I’ll have to use plywood.

Anyway, that’s the situation. I’m moving out. One week to go. I still don’t want to go, and I keep crying all the time because it’s all so sad and awful.

Progress report

I have to be out of this house in less than two weeks and I haven’t found anywhere to go. Also, I haven’t found a job, or even decided what to look for, or done anything at all about it. Also, I haven’t made a chook pen. Also, I haven’t made a shirt or a foundation pattern and I’m still wearing the one shirt patched up with duct tape every time I go out (though yesterday when sorting out old clothes I found a shirt I used to wear years ago – I dislike it and it’s pretty ugly, but at least it doesn’t require patching and it fits okay and it’s comfortable, so yay). I’m about halfway through packing up the house, most of the stuff here belonging to other people, two of whom are overseas and won’t be back until the 20th of December – a day before I move out.

On the good side, every time I look at the chickens I feel happier, so I look at the chickens a lot, and check on them, and think about them, and write blog posts about them, and last night I spent a few hours making a cardboard model of a chook shed – a design which has turned out to be too complicated and to have too many parts (it needs to remain lightweight so I can move it), so the model-making process was a useful thing to do.

Another good thing: the weather has been unusually good for a summer here: the air is dry and relatively cool and so far we haven’t had a bad storm, or even many storms at all. (There was one destructive storm not far away, but it was a small cell confined to a tiny area.) There was a heatwave recently, but even that wasn’t too bad: the sea-breeze that blows across here from the coast every summer afternoon eased the heat, and anyway, the air was still dry. And the grass has started to grow again despite the unusually dry spring, so even though we could do with some more rain – well, dry air! It’s much easier to live with.

And I’m probably living in denial (very likely; I’m good at that), but, apart from dissolving into tears about ten times a day, I’m not panicking or feeling too despairing. Things are not going well, but at least I’m still going, mostly, and that’s both surprising and encouraging. Yay.

And in other news, I don’t know why this blog is hyphenating words at the end of lines (so one part carries over to the next line). I think it started when I changed to the new theme some time ago. It’s annoying.

Avoidance

It’s now less than a month until I’m supposed to be out of this house. I don’t see how I’m going to do it, and the main problem is that I’m so scared I avoid even thinking about it. I’ve spent the last month doing anything other than start looking for a job, for example. The other day I finally made myself read an online page for mature-age job seekers, and by the end of the page I couldn’t read anything because I was crying too much.**

It might help if I start talking about things, and I can do that best here, on this blog. The problem with this is that I can’t talk about the people buying the farm. They’re very private and don’t want their story plastered onto the internet. But half of their “buying the farm” story is my story. I need to find a way to talk about my side of the story without dragging other people into it – which is difficult because all of this is only happening because of them.

I just need to get going. Time is getting away.

Everything takes so long, made worse by my absolute brilliance in avoiding things. I can avoid things better than anyone else on Earth.

And now that I’m looking at the word “avoidance”: what a strange looking word! A-void-ance.

Void. A void. According to my Macquarie Dictionary, there are several definitions of “void”, including:
7. a gap or opening, as in a wall.
8. emptiness; vacancy.

When avoiding things I’m definitely seeking a void: looking for a gap or opening (escape) or, if that fails, emptiness and vacancy (absence of caring).

** While crying at the mature-age job seeker site I saw a typo on the page and sobered up. I’m really good at spotting typos. I should have trained as an editor. I started wondering: could I find work doing that sort of thing? Probably not. I don’t have any qualifications and wouldn’t have a clue what to do and wouldn’t even survive an interview or even thinking about an interview, and everyone’s sacking their editors now anyway, and et cetera. That’s how it goes. But after noticing the typo I sent an email to the government department in charge of the page. As yet, nobody has replied, and as yet, nobody has fixed the mistake. Boo. Return to post